5 Critically Acclaimed films that are actually just porn in disguise
By: A. Aleister Sirrat
Hello All, Sirrat in the Hat here. Long time no chat. Well, my dear friend Das Film Junkie told me he was going to talk about adult films that are disguised as High End Artsy films, and I told that amateur to sit back and leave this list to a professional. Who the hell does he thinks he is? This blog already has a writer who reviews soft-core porn (ME!) and I’ll be damned if he thinks I’m going to let him infringe upon my territory. Plus, he owes me this one for tricking me into watching “A Serbian Film”. So where to begin? It seems every now and then a film emerges (usually from Europe) that gains worldwide notoriety and gets called “The Latest & Greatest Masterpiece in Cinema”, when in all actuality the film is just some horrendous excuse to make some high-class overrated porn. Because remember: if you give porn a plot & a budget, and you set it in Europe, you can call it art! So here is my list of 5 critically acclaimed films that are actually just porn in disguise.
5.) The Exterminating Angels
You can’t have a list of adult films posing as Artsy films without taking a journey to France. Why is it that the French always seem so open to sexual exploration? I think it goes beyond being a cultural thing, I actually think it’s in their bloody DNA. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the 2006 film, “The Exterminating Angels” (which still sounds less like the title of a porno, and more like an episode of Doctor Who). I honestly could not tell you what the plot of this film is and not just because I don’t speak French, but because the excessive amounts of nudity in this film make it very distracting. From what I’ve gathered the film is about some old French Director who reminds me of Serge Gainsbourg, but is not played by Serge Gainsbourg, who pretty much goes around asking girls half his age if you can video tape them “pleasuring”themselves for a “documentary” he’s making. So yeah this films isn’t so much “artistic” as it is “voyeuristic”. However, this is not the only poor attempt France has made to pass an adult film off as Art.
4.) Blue is the Warmest Colour
From one pretentious French Film to another let’s talk about “Blue is the Warmest Colour”. This film gained a lot of popularity and notoriety in Europe in 2013. In one the prestigious Palme d’Or Award at the Cannes Film Festival. It was also nominated for a Golden Globe and BAFTA Award for Best Foreign Language Film. The film is based off of a 2010 graphic novel of the same name by Julie Maroh, and tells the story of a woman named Adele who has her first sexual encounter with an older boy at her high school when she was 15, and then progresses into her sexual awakening and how she realized that she is attracted to women, and her first lesbian relationship with an older artist named Emma, and pretty much just focuses on all the important life milestones Adele has between the ages of 15 to her late 20’s early 30’s. “Blue is the Warmest Colour” is absolutely perfect. The film was very well made, the cinematography is gorgeous, the characters are memorable, and the story is just phenomenal. However, this film does feature a number of graphic sex scenes. The first one goes for 3 minutes, then the second one goes on for a stunning 11 minutes, and then followed by two more sex scenes in the film that are between 5-6 minutes each. This film is almost 1/6 just sex scenes. The scene where Adele and Emma make love for the first time took 10 days to film! That means the two main actresses showed up for work every day for almost two weeks took all their clothes off and pretended to have sex with each other in front of the director and film crew...@_@...Jesus Christ! Most Adult films don’t put that much thought or planning into their films, and they took 10 days to film just this one scene! This may be what many—myself included—to be the Best Film of 2013, but it still features a number of scenes that borderline on Hardcore porn.
3.) Last Tango in Paris
2.) Nymphomaniac Volume I & II
Lars Von Trier: some people regard him as a cinematic genius, others call him a complete f*cking psycho who love to torment his actors and crowds of people who go to see his films. Now Von Trier did grow up in a nudist colony so that probably explains why his films typically deal with matters including exploration of the body and of ones sexuality. He used these themes in his films “Antichrist” and “Melancholia”. However, Von Trier’s most blatant use at disguising porn as Art is in his two part film: “Nymphomaniac Volume I & II”. “Nymphomaniac Volume I & II” is the story of a young woman named Joe (Played by Charlotte Gainsbourg aka the Worst Actress in All of Europe) who is telling her story of how she became a nymphomaniac to a man named Seligman (played by Stellan Skarsgard). What most impressive about both of these films is that they are both almost 3-hours long! That’s a lot of f*cking story to talk about f*cking for 6 hours. There are more close ups of male and female genitalia (of all shapes, sizes, and colours) in these two films than I have seen in any other film. How this film has not been classified as pornography is beyond me.
1.) Room in Rome
Yes, believe it or not there is a film that is more artistic and pornographic than two Lars Von Trier films. Here’s the plot to the 2010 Italian Romance-Drama “Room in Rome”: Two girls studying in Rome—one a Spanish Lesbian named Alba, and an amateur model from Russia named Natasha—decide to spend their last night in Rome together. It starts off with innocent conversation, but it quickly grows into something more. Alba wishes to spend a night of passion with Natasha, but she is unsure. Natasha claims she has a fiancée back home, but she also expresses that she may be bi-curious. The two girls decide to make their last night in Rome a special occasion that they will never forget and share a night of secret sharing and passionate love making...That plot sounds more like an Erotic Fantasy written by a 14-year-old boy than it does a serious Drama, am I right? I mean the first fifteen minutes of “Room in Rome” start out slow and boring, but once Alba and Natasha share that first together it becomes all HLA and T&A (which I was completely all right with, for the record). This film fails miserably at trying to get you to think that it is a work of Art. You can’t show me two nude gorgeous women on film touching one another, and expect me to take it seriously. Even the dialogue in this film sounds like it comes from porn: “You know, I know plenty of women who have tried it once with a woman...and they never want to go back to men” and “I think it would work better if you undressed me first”. And when the dialogue isn’t trying to sound erotic, it comes off as extremely pretentious; like it’s trying to convince you that you’re intelligent and sophisticated just for watching this film. Trust me lads, this is not a film you want to show your wife or girlfriend when they say that want to watch a “Romance Picture”.
So there you have it: 5 Critically Acclaimed Films that actually just porn in disguise. I hope you all enjoyed my list and be sure to check out some of the articles I’ve written here on Asylum for Nerds. Until Next Time, this is Sirrat in the Hat.
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